In a slightly less dorky vein....

[hel_ana]

A year ago yesterday, I sat down in my doctor's office and got told what I already knew in my bones -- the biopsy had shown an overwhelming likelyhood of cancer. A year ago today I posted a long entry about the report and the treatment I would be undergoing.

And now it's a year later, and it's done, and all that's left outwardly is a scar that I'm slowly growing used to, tactless con-goers notwithstanding.

Inwardly, it's another matter. Inwardly, it's still like the elephant in the corner of my head. I know I got lucky, and had a great outcome from an easily treatable disease. The very small, not especially insistant voice that talks about recurrance is still there, but the same part of my mind that knew what the diagnosis was going to be 2 months before I got it says that it's not going to come back.

I think what troubles me most is an incredible see-saw between two extremes - I feel like I've been defined by this, but also that I shouldn't have been because it wasn't really that big a deal.

I wonder if I'm kidding myself in thinking that I dealt with it ok.

Comments

[warpedwitch.livejournal.com]

*psst*
















you're normal...:p and yes, you dealt with it fine...:)

[nights-promise.livejournal.com]

Even if it turned out to be a minor form, it was still the big C. And you dealt with it fine, and it's to be expected that you will be thinking of it for a long time.

[the-nita.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're dealing with it pretty normally - it *was* a huge deal in your life. It *was* something that you went through a lot, both physically & emotionally, to deal with. That you now have a relatively minor physical remnant of it doesn't mean that the emotional remnants are either trivial or minor.

I don't know about you, but when someone hints that I might have cancer (given my family history, not uncommon), I have bucketloads of mental crap to deal with.

I think you've dealt with this incredibly well. You didn't burrow your head in the ground. You made sure you had the information and assistance you needed. I'm not surprised that it is still something that comes around to prod you in your lizard-brain, but duh - that's totally normal for humanity - when your life is threatened, however that may be, that feeling sticks around for a while. That you're not letting that feeling decide your every move is why I think you're dealing with it well.

My $0.02 - Canadian.*g*

[angel-renewed.livejournal.com]

You'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life, so - yes - it is a defining moment. Much like other defining things we don't choose - our height, our gender, etc - we pretty much have to suck it up and do the best we can. You're doing fine.

As for tactless congoers, heh... I tend to tell people that I was mauled by rabid machete wielding squirrels if they get too nosy.

[hel_ana]

Fear the squirrelly wrath?

[angel-renewed.livejournal.com]

Cult of Foamy, bay-be.

[eve2007.livejournal.com]

Even though I didn't know you during the time you had the cancer, I am quite sure you dealt with it wonderfully. Also, your scar actually looks great and is barely noticeable. (to me at least)

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

One question:

How would you define "dealing with it well"?

My view is if someone can go through something like this with a grin from ear to ear and never a doubt or fear, they either aren't dealing with it at all, are ignorant to the point of being dangerous or they are delusional and probably don't believe any of it is actually happening so what is there to deal with eh?

On the other hand, anyone who falls into a million pieces, can't accomplish anything in the rest of their lives because they are immobilized by this one thing, can't move on and live their life when they do get better, blames others, blames themselves, or blames god for their dumb luck and won't forgive when rationality sets in (if it ever does) or otherwise ruins careers, education and relationships over it is dealing with it poorly.

Anything in between is okay. You have to acknowledge that something sucky happened or you can't possibly deal. And acknowledging something sucky is happening means you're going to have feelings about it. As long as you don't allow those feelings to dominate, degenerate or otherwise destroy your life and your relationships, then you've dealt with it just fine.

Last I checked, you still accomplished a lot throughout your ordeal and even ignoring the fact that you are perfectly healthy (which is a big part of a good life), things are pretty good with your life right now.

[hel_ana]

How would you define "dealing with it well"?

When I wrote the post? I think before I got all the responses, I was concerned that I'd been way too much like your first example, so that now it won't go away.

But someone made a good point -- some remnant of the experience will be there for the rest of my life.

To a certain extent, I think I'm afraid of becoming the "I had CANCER! girl", so I downplay it in my head. But at the same time, I lived with this experience that had a large effect on how I view my own body, and I've gained knowledge that sometimes I think other people could use. So I don't think I've struck the right balance yet between acknowledging that what happened was serious and feeling like I talk about it all the bloody time.

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

I have to admit, I didn't know about it until after your surgery. And even then, I had to wait a while to find out (I figured asking would be rude and red-necky and if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me what it was). Though I probably figure you told the rest of the group since none of them seemed the least surprised when you showed up sporting the "Pez dispenser" look. So that means in a meeting that lasted, on average, 3-4 hours, in which I always missed the first half hour or so, you couldn't possibly have talked about it for more than that first half hour. Quite far from "all the bloody time" as you put it. Heck, I figure we wasted a lot more time on the Garden Gnome and on the wife-swappers of Ealdormere than on the big C. ;)

And like you said, you got the knowledge, and you learned stuff, so you weren't hiding your head in the sand. And you discuss it with people you're actually comfortable with. You didn't know me from Adam when that group first started up, so I wouldn't have expected to be let in on something that private. The further the group went and the more you got to know us all, the more it came up. But not in a bad way, more in a "this was my week" kinda way. I figure it didn't come up any more than Heather's marking, my stupid projects and smug classmates or Tang and Al's Buddies. It was part of our lives, but not the only part. But you're not dwelling on it, in fact, as I recall, you even made jokes about it - good, healing power of laughter and all. To me, that's healthy, normal and dealing well.

I'm no shrink of course :)

damned accountants... ;)

[hel_ana]

that gives me a good perspective. Thank you.

[hel_ana]

when you showed up sporting the "Pez dispenser" look.

And this may possibly be the funniest thing I've read all week, and it just keeps getting funnier the more I think about it.

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

I thought I got that phrase from you. Of course, dad came back form a trip and game me a really cute Pez around the time of your surgery so I may have made it up myself... I don't think I was that witty though.

[warpedwitch.livejournal.com]

let's try this now that i can actually browse...:)

you are the "i had cancer" girl, because you Did and an experience like that changes you for the rest of your life...

you are exactly where you should be for the time you're at-the "elephant in the corner" is a recognized technical phrase in this arena, because the fear of recurrence is so large....hell, *I* worry about it striking again......

and yes, you're doing exactly fine on striking that balance, so stop trying to downplay your experience or your accomplishments on coming through it and handling it so well...:)

and of course, if you need to talk, you know where to find me...:)

[dawaioser.livejournal.com]

*NODS* ~ I hated it when someone asked me about my scar in a "Ewwwww!" sort of manner/way...pissed me right off, made me self conscious about it and actually FEEL the skin tighten with my anger.

[nickdangerous.livejournal.com]

Well, you *do* have cooties.

[nickdangerous.livejournal.com]

I've never officially had that, but I've suffered the mental anguish of 392 virtual heart attacks, 29 virtual AIDS epidemics, 5 virtual SARS episodes, 92 panic attacks, and 2 actual colonoscopies among other things. I'm surprised I haven't done myself in with all the worrying I do!

The only way I've found to ease my mind is loading up on the antioxidants. Keeping my free radical shields UP all the time makes me sleep a little easier. I'm tweaking my Smoothie Shield recipe and will post it once completed.