In a slightly less dorky vein....

[hel_ana]

A year ago yesterday, I sat down in my doctor's office and got told what I already knew in my bones -- the biopsy had shown an overwhelming likelyhood of cancer. A year ago today I posted a long entry about the report and the treatment I would be undergoing.

And now it's a year later, and it's done, and all that's left outwardly is a scar that I'm slowly growing used to, tactless con-goers notwithstanding.

Inwardly, it's another matter. Inwardly, it's still like the elephant in the corner of my head. I know I got lucky, and had a great outcome from an easily treatable disease. The very small, not especially insistant voice that talks about recurrance is still there, but the same part of my mind that knew what the diagnosis was going to be 2 months before I got it says that it's not going to come back.

I think what troubles me most is an incredible see-saw between two extremes - I feel like I've been defined by this, but also that I shouldn't have been because it wasn't really that big a deal.

I wonder if I'm kidding myself in thinking that I dealt with it ok.

Comments

[warpedwitch.livejournal.com]

*psst*
















you're normal...:p and yes, you dealt with it fine...:)

[nights-promise.livejournal.com]

Even if it turned out to be a minor form, it was still the big C. And you dealt with it fine, and it's to be expected that you will be thinking of it for a long time.

[the-nita.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're dealing with it pretty normally - it *was* a huge deal in your life. It *was* something that you went through a lot, both physically & emotionally, to deal with. That you now have a relatively minor physical remnant of it doesn't mean that the emotional remnants are either trivial or minor.

I don't know about you, but when someone hints that I might have cancer (given my family history, not uncommon), I have bucketloads of mental crap to deal with.

I think you've dealt with this incredibly well. You didn't burrow your head in the ground. You made sure you had the information and assistance you needed. I'm not surprised that it is still something that comes around to prod you in your lizard-brain, but duh - that's totally normal for humanity - when your life is threatened, however that may be, that feeling sticks around for a while. That you're not letting that feeling decide your every move is why I think you're dealing with it well.

My $0.02 - Canadian.*g*

[angel-renewed.livejournal.com]

You'll have to deal with it for the rest of your life, so - yes - it is a defining moment. Much like other defining things we don't choose - our height, our gender, etc - we pretty much have to suck it up and do the best we can. You're doing fine.

As for tactless congoers, heh... I tend to tell people that I was mauled by rabid machete wielding squirrels if they get too nosy.

[eve2007.livejournal.com]

Even though I didn't know you during the time you had the cancer, I am quite sure you dealt with it wonderfully. Also, your scar actually looks great and is barely noticeable. (to me at least)

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

One question:

How would you define "dealing with it well"?

My view is if someone can go through something like this with a grin from ear to ear and never a doubt or fear, they either aren't dealing with it at all, are ignorant to the point of being dangerous or they are delusional and probably don't believe any of it is actually happening so what is there to deal with eh?

On the other hand, anyone who falls into a million pieces, can't accomplish anything in the rest of their lives because they are immobilized by this one thing, can't move on and live their life when they do get better, blames others, blames themselves, or blames god for their dumb luck and won't forgive when rationality sets in (if it ever does) or otherwise ruins careers, education and relationships over it is dealing with it poorly.

Anything in between is okay. You have to acknowledge that something sucky happened or you can't possibly deal. And acknowledging something sucky is happening means you're going to have feelings about it. As long as you don't allow those feelings to dominate, degenerate or otherwise destroy your life and your relationships, then you've dealt with it just fine.

Last I checked, you still accomplished a lot throughout your ordeal and even ignoring the fact that you are perfectly healthy (which is a big part of a good life), things are pretty good with your life right now.

[dawaioser.livejournal.com]

*NODS* ~ I hated it when someone asked me about my scar in a "Ewwwww!" sort of manner/way...pissed me right off, made me self conscious about it and actually FEEL the skin tighten with my anger.

[nickdangerous.livejournal.com]

I've never officially had that, but I've suffered the mental anguish of 392 virtual heart attacks, 29 virtual AIDS epidemics, 5 virtual SARS episodes, 92 panic attacks, and 2 actual colonoscopies among other things. I'm surprised I haven't done myself in with all the worrying I do!

The only way I've found to ease my mind is loading up on the antioxidants. Keeping my free radical shields UP all the time makes me sleep a little easier. I'm tweaking my Smoothie Shield recipe and will post it once completed.