Seneschal - April 18, 2000

[hel_ana]

The game got expanded, big time, last night. I got handed options, a way to accomplish what I need to do, and an offer to figure out more. Although "accomplish" might be the wrong word. Connotations are slightly too positive, given what it is I'm contemplating.

Sometimes the extent to which I am loved jumps up and slaps me. I don't expect it, and when it's demonstrated, I'm always slightly stunned. You mean that people care? About me?

If there's anything I regret about my childhood, it is this; that it stole my ability not just to accept that I am loved and lovable, but my ability to see that. It gave me a bucket full of tools to deal with the world, but many of them are flawed tools that poison the things they're used to fix.

So now, it's a matter of getting my earth in order, I think. In related news, I have the signed paperwork for handing off the Seneschal's job. It's not something I really want to do, but either way it's necessary. A Saturday spent sorting paperwork will be made somewhat more bearable by sharing the task with a friend, one who loves me.

Comments

[emortimer.livejournal.com]

If there's anything I regret about my childhood, it is this; that it stole my ability not just to accept that I am loved and lovable, but my ability to see that

this confuses me. You've always spoken so highly of your childhood

[hel_ana]

I've spoken highly of my *parents*.

I had a nightmare of a school life. The only thing that got me through the school life was my parents and that I knew they loved and supported me.

I've never lost faith in that. It took me a long time to accept and understand that people *other* than my family of origin love me.