![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
It's my birthday, it's my birthday...
Mar. 4th, 2003 05:12 pmI turn 30 today. I was born March 4, 1973, at approximately 21:50PM. (My mother thinks in 24 hour clock.. I don't get it, but there it is.)
So far today, I've gotten birthday wishes from my parents (my father's was particularly cool), Ross (more than once :) ), my sister, my best friend, Jascha, and Mike. Jascha also had to cancel out on our lunch, because he'd forgotten that he had a musician coming over to jam. So we rescheduled for Thursday.
A friend said to me on Saturday that most of the women she knows enjoyed their 30s a lot more than their 20s, because after you turn 30, you start knowing what you want and who you are. And to a large extent, that's true for me. I've finally met a man who offers me unconditional support, gives me his love freely and unstintingly, and with whom I share an incredible passion. And he has a wicked sense of humour. Further, while we're apart now, we're moving towards the point of being together. And, because of him, I have two wonderful, challenging, fascinating children who I wouldn't trade for the world.
I've also figured out what I want to do with the next phase of my life, although the Admissions Director for USF will end up in hell asking questions to people who give answers without listening to the question for all eternity, if there's any justice at all. So it's good, even if I'm currently unhappy with my job.
Certainly, sitting here at 30 there are things about my life that would have surprised me if I'd known when I was 20 that they'd be true. I think I'd be taken aback about the divorce and having no biological children. As well, I think 20 year old me would be surprised at my lack of a graduate degree, since that was a very big part of my plans when I was 20. I'm pretty sure 20 year old me would be shocked at how young I feel. I know this, because I'm shocked sometimes at how young I feel.
But as surprised as a 20 year old me would be, sitting here, I'm ok with where I am, and who I am. I'm becoming more self-aware, more able to look at my life and myself objectively (or at least semi-objectively).
I've also come to some realizations about myself, something that came up within the context of my birthday. I mentioned it first to Tanith last week when I was unhappy about no-one being able/willing to go out to dim sum with me. I love birthdays and always look forward to them, but the anticipation is always better than what I actually end up with. There's this whole thing with my birthday being way more important to me than it is to anyone else, and the struggle against the nasty little voice that says "not caring about my birthday = not caring about me" is one I fight every year. I know it's bullshit, but it's still there. Of course, I'm now old and wise enough to realize that it's my own fault because I've never shared with anyone how important it is to me to be fussed over on my birthday.
More important than the specific instance of my birthday, I think that what this says about me as a human being is that I have a tremendous need to be recognized by the people I love. There's still the ghost of the 12 year old I was inside me, although she's getting fainter every year. I doubt she'll ever go away, but she's also part of who I am now, and I've just got to work with that.
I'll close this off with one of the things my father said to me this morning, something I'm going to keep with me: "Should you ever feel down, blue or otherwise unloved, remember that the experience of your birth was so great that we did it again twice."
So far today, I've gotten birthday wishes from my parents (my father's was particularly cool), Ross (more than once :) ), my sister, my best friend, Jascha, and Mike. Jascha also had to cancel out on our lunch, because he'd forgotten that he had a musician coming over to jam. So we rescheduled for Thursday.
A friend said to me on Saturday that most of the women she knows enjoyed their 30s a lot more than their 20s, because after you turn 30, you start knowing what you want and who you are. And to a large extent, that's true for me. I've finally met a man who offers me unconditional support, gives me his love freely and unstintingly, and with whom I share an incredible passion. And he has a wicked sense of humour. Further, while we're apart now, we're moving towards the point of being together. And, because of him, I have two wonderful, challenging, fascinating children who I wouldn't trade for the world.
I've also figured out what I want to do with the next phase of my life, although the Admissions Director for USF will end up in hell asking questions to people who give answers without listening to the question for all eternity, if there's any justice at all. So it's good, even if I'm currently unhappy with my job.
Certainly, sitting here at 30 there are things about my life that would have surprised me if I'd known when I was 20 that they'd be true. I think I'd be taken aback about the divorce and having no biological children. As well, I think 20 year old me would be surprised at my lack of a graduate degree, since that was a very big part of my plans when I was 20. I'm pretty sure 20 year old me would be shocked at how young I feel. I know this, because I'm shocked sometimes at how young I feel.
But as surprised as a 20 year old me would be, sitting here, I'm ok with where I am, and who I am. I'm becoming more self-aware, more able to look at my life and myself objectively (or at least semi-objectively).
I've also come to some realizations about myself, something that came up within the context of my birthday. I mentioned it first to Tanith last week when I was unhappy about no-one being able/willing to go out to dim sum with me. I love birthdays and always look forward to them, but the anticipation is always better than what I actually end up with. There's this whole thing with my birthday being way more important to me than it is to anyone else, and the struggle against the nasty little voice that says "not caring about my birthday = not caring about me" is one I fight every year. I know it's bullshit, but it's still there. Of course, I'm now old and wise enough to realize that it's my own fault because I've never shared with anyone how important it is to me to be fussed over on my birthday.
More important than the specific instance of my birthday, I think that what this says about me as a human being is that I have a tremendous need to be recognized by the people I love. There's still the ghost of the 12 year old I was inside me, although she's getting fainter every year. I doubt she'll ever go away, but she's also part of who I am now, and I've just got to work with that.
I'll close this off with one of the things my father said to me this morning, something I'm going to keep with me: "Should you ever feel down, blue or otherwise unloved, remember that the experience of your birth was so great that we did it again twice."
