peace

One of the things I let go of somewhere along the way is the ability to be comfortable within my own head. A sense of peace. A fulcrum point in which I don't need to be doing things, either for myself or other people, to feel fulfilled.

Recently, I've been getting closer to it. I have a home in which I am happy, and in which I feel secure. I've started spending time with people who add to that sense of peace. I think the true test will be when I can spend time with friends who don't, and not be pulled away from it.

At the same time, I'm too tightly wound. In some situations, I'm accustomed to behaving in a certain way (for instance, I tend to tear through malls as if I'm convinced someone is tailing me) and I can't get out of them even when I'm trying to slow down.

I'm not sure the two are connected, but I suspect they are. I suspect my need to feel efficient and competent is connected to my inability to slow down and that that feeds my inability to achieve a sense of peace.

And it may be that I don't need to achieve a sense of peace. That it's not really a worthwhile goal, and that I'd derive greater happiness out of some other goal. But I suspect somehow that I need to be there in order to figure out where to go next.