Seneschal - April 21, 2000

Culpability.. where does it start? I wanted to clean the house today. I suggested it, and the idea was met with indifferent acceptance, if not enthusiastically.

Then YAF, and I felt compelled to make things better, to make him happy again. So I suggested doing something that I knew would make him happy, since I knew what the reaction to bringing up the house cleaning again would be.

I really wanted the house cleaned again. But I can't get out of these patterns of behaviour, of giving up what I want to make it all smooth.

Which brings us to culpability. Is it my fault now that the house isn't any cleaner? Because I fell into the patterns of behaviour? Or is it his fault for absorbing my time and energies, and for needing so much of my time in specific ways? Or is it both our faults, or neither?

The issue is that when I do this - give up something I want because it's easier, or because he wants me to do something with or for him, I feel resentful. Because he knew that I wanted to do something else but still asked me to focus on his priorities (whether implicitly or explicitly). And he feels that it's not his problem, that it has nothing to do with him, because it's my choice.

And there's a really wide gulf between those two extremes that I don't know can be crossed.

Or maybe, as I've thought before, I'm just being a stupid, selfish bitch.